Parenting Teens

While adolescence can be a time often feared by parents, it can be a time for self-discovery for teens and an opportunity for parents to build lasting relationships with their children.

It doesn’t take a “Parenting Expert” to understand how to today’s culture is different than when you grew up. Therefore, it can be frustrating to realize yester year’s parenting strategies may be totally ineffective for use with today’s culture. Here are some cultural changes that have happened the past several decades:

- Marijuana is legalized in many states now

- Gender issues dominate the media

- Kids feel a sense of entitlement

- Lack of respect for authority

- Bullying runs rampant

- Teens can spend upward of 10 hours looking at some type of screen

- Masses of teens leave the church after graduation from high school

- Teens struggle to engage in meaningful relationships

- The American Medical Association has increased the age of Adolescence to age 27

Here are some normal developmental tasks for teens:

- Emotional separation from parents

- Abstract thinking and critical thinking skills

- Stronger identification with peers

- Development of social autonomy

- Understanding and exploring sexual identity

- Developing moral constructs

- Overall identity formation

Mark Gregston, in his book Raising Teens in a Contrary Culture, states the following about our role as parents and some important areas in your teen’s life to consider:

1) Relational Atmosphere – the relationship you have with your children is of the utmost

importance.

2) Structure of the home – be aware of how you set expectations and how you strategize

your rules and consequences. Telling them that rules aren’t about fulfilling what mom

and dad want, but rather helping them get where they want to go.

3) Dealing with TRUE issues – you must deal with issues of the HEART. More than just

managing behavior, you are focused on changing the TRUE motivation of the HEART.

Changing Your Parenting Style

As your children enter the teen years, you must switch your parenting style from teaching to training. Here's what Mark Gregston recommends:

1) Move from allowing immaturity to encouraging maturity

2) Move them from dependence on you to developing independence

3) Move from your decisions to helping them learn to make their own decisions

4) Move from you doing it to them doing it

5) Move from your control to their control

6) Move from giving answers to asking questions

7) Move from punishment to understanding of the value in discipline

8) Move from your responsibility to their responsibility

9) Move from lecturing to discussing

10) Move from telling to sharing

11) Move from talking to listening

12) Move the emphasis from what you do to who you are

Use these principles to help navigate your relationship with your teen:

1) The most important relationship your child can have during their teen years is with you.

2) If you have a discipline problem, you have a relationship problem.

3) Teens change because of relationship, not the exertion of your authority.

4) There’s only one person in this world you can change…. you.

Here are strategies Gregston recommends parents implement to help improve their relationship with their teen:

1) Watch your parenting style

2) Quit correcting all the time

3) Spend more time listening than talking

4) Determine that your discussions will be over a long period of time, rather than a quick

conversation with a beginning and an end

5) Ask questions and toss the ball to them, so they can “reflect” on another idea or

thought that might stimulate them to think deeper

6) Keep the discussion about them and only share your opinion when asked

7) Every conversation doesn’t have to have a lesson

8) Sometimes silence is the best response and greatest answer

Remember, the goal of parenting is to love your children unconditionally while helping them grow to become responsible and productive citizens.

-Written by Chad Anderson, LPC

LifeSpring Behavioral Health